kiss and tell

shake the glitter off your clothes now.

2011-01-10T09:15:00.001-08:00

stared at this blankness
trying not to be overwhelmed
wanted to scream
but nothing's coming out
this always happens
when somehow
you feel like
you've lost your touch
that soft tender trailing
of the fingertips
along these buttons.

and maybe
i need to just spill
it all out. haven't
scribble for the longest time.
everything's rusty
dusty
.

eyes open
only to realise
that
all
that is
around
you have
grown ten times
older
and
some have
ceased to exist
no longer.

becoming
and
feeling
weary
of everything.

chasing life
chasing you.

finding power
just
to
be
able to
breathe.
continue
to breathe.

been running away
fleeting on the surfaces
of
the thin fragile frosted water.

do you dare
to let yourself
drown

the time
is
perfect.
and this chance
will never
ever
come again.

you cannot
help
but
be
in such
dilemma

being
torn
into two.
one self

gnawing

on another.

the plans have
been drawn.

crave for dave.

2010-11-02T10:54:00.000-07:00

the title means nothing.

is there any meaning to apologize to a non-living thing such as an online mind vomit of a place?

seriously.
months has gone by.

the ins and outs the fears the shouts.
began and ended.

i've realized so much.
now i've realized to much.

thats just me. i have to experience it all, and then i'll learn, i'll take notice, it'll all be clear.

now, my plans are still alive, just need that spark need that fuel need that push.

there have been so many things to smile about, to cry(inside) about, to scream about, to ponder about.

and i do not want to lose that part of Nur either. that those two years or hard cold sweat dirt mud pain endurance soldierly experience has made me. i do not want that to die.

i've tapped within myself the person i didnt think i could've been. the confidence that shows and the fearlessness.
thats the most important.

fearlessness.

nothing stays or lasts. but i do have to keep on going.

the missing and yearning has to go.
the wishes and desires has to die.

sometimes i'm back to boring reality. sometimes i feel like i should fly.

i am not trying to make any sense.

bottling up and talking to myself facing those gray walls
do not help and i need to slap myself awake.

and sometimes i get alone.
but i do not want to be overwhelmed.

they fit so perfectly. yet not meant to be.

RUNNING HIGH.

2010-03-17T00:16:00.000-07:00

so here
i am

in my little
corner

squirming
anxious.

i have never regretted
never
ever
felt this
regret.

but i have been feeling
so these few days.

regret.
envy.
hopeful.
deluded.

dont think
that i am all
over you.

its not that.

its just the sweet companionship.
which means so much more than
anything.

and now u feel the pressure.

and coffee after alcohol makes u sleepy.

and this is one of those entries
where i dont care.
but just spill it out.

cause i am lazy to scribble.

and i reminisce.
and then i yearn.
to fill up this void.

fill it up.
i should forget this.

stop being so pathetic.
as before.
but it just overwhelms.
im sure u know the feeling.

the overwhelming feeling.

it sucks you in from inside.

LOVE CAN DAMAGE YOUR HEALTH.

2010-03-17T00:12:00.000-07:00

this dire need
to spill

this dire need
to scream

been drowning myself in
that
thing that
gets you high

which
soothes
everything.
inside.

calms.

sometimes
its not
the raunchy
hot
sweaty
sex

that u need.

the little
things.
the
cuddles.
the warmth.

the taste of ur
skin.

tell me where it hurts fois deux.

2010-02-24T23:52:00.001-08:00

i went through my old blog.
and still in love with this
entry:

20080523

this is a story
of a boy
obsessed.

he says

i did it for you.
wouldn't do it
if not for you.

you.

blink at your flaws.

me.

me being all that i am.
always
hoping.
wishing.
hopeless romantic.
dancing with myself.

i need that motivation.
or maybe
a little tenderness.

my negativity displeases
i want u to embrace it.
let me in.

obsession.
like a parasite
infect the heart.

stubborn heart
that i thought
has grown cold.

but it's been
invigorated
and the feeling's
back.

that weak me

that idolizes
that drowns
himself
into
you.

and it is scary.

cuz i am so
easy.

cuz you
are not easy.

but u could
give it a shot.

i wonder
why
can't you
and you
and you
just try
just a little bit.

speechless.

2010-02-24T23:26:00.000-08:00

staring
at
those chipped nails.

and
you have
to stop this
feeling
lowest of the low.

weary from
waiting.
as the world
revolves
around.
rapid.

weary
from
making
ends meet.

weary
from
searching.

weary.
dreary.

maybe its the heat.
and the itch.

tip toeing
at the brink
of a summit
blindfolded.

seems like
truths
turn the
kaleidoscopic view
to
specks of
black and gray.

when you float
too high
you might just
be dragged
back hard
on a long
way down.

make your choice.

lost.

2010-02-23T12:12:00.000-08:00

sink in.
breathe in.
soak in.

everything makes sense.
even the most senseless.
or unfair
or painful.

sink in.
breathe in.
soak in.

enough weeping
the world is yours.

sweet escape.

2010-02-23T12:04:00.000-08:00

some
times
we
should
look
back

to remind
ourselves.

about
the
pain.
the experience.
the mistakes
the lessons
learnt or un-
learnt.

to forgive.

never forget.
nor
regret.

but just
look back.

to observe
how
much
you've grown.
how much
you've
been
through.

those
skipped
plans.

unearthed
desires
and
dreams.

dont be afraid.

trois.

2010-02-04T04:48:00.001-08:00

stuffed chicken rolls with
lemon garlic couscous and cranberry sauce.
(serves 4)

what you need:

2 chicken breasts
2 large portebello mushrooms cut into strips
2 packs spinach (remove the stalks leaving only the leaves)
400g beef/turkey bacon strips

1 cup couscous
zest of 1 lemon
juice of 1/2 lemon
1 tablespoon olive oil
4 tablespoons butter
2 cloves small sized garlic

1/2 canned cranberries
chilli flakes
juice of 1/2 lemon

what to do:

stuffing:

1. in a lightly oiled pan, cook the mushrooms and wilt the spinach leaves, adding a little salt and pepper.

chicken:

1. season chicken with salt and pepper
2. with a sharp knife, cut a pocket from the side of the chicken
3. place the stuffing inside
4. in a pan, sear the chicken for 3 mins each side and add 1 cup water
5. let braise for 3 mins and place in a dish, leaving the stock behind.
6. on a chopping board, let the chicken cool and cut each chicken breast into two lengthwise
7. lay out 5 bacon strips for each piece of chicken with the sides over-lapping each other to create a skin for the chicken rolls.
8. place the chicken at the end of the bacon strips and roll through the end.

couscous:

1. in a pot, add oil, garlic and lemon zest then the couscous
2. add water, 1/2 of remaining chicken stock, lemon juice and salt cover let cook for 5-8 mins
3. stir in butter
4. cover and let cook for 5 more mins.

sauce:

1. it a sauce pan, melt butter and sizzle chili flakes
2. add the cranberries, lemon juice and the remaining chicken stock
3. let bubble and thicken and set aside

to serve individually,
ladle some couscous in a serving plate top with the chicken and spoon some sauce by the side.

deux.

2010-02-04T04:19:00.000-08:00

alfredo beef and mushroom wheat tortellini.
(serves 4-5)

what you need:

for the tortellinis

pasta dough:

3 cups wheat flour
2/3 cup water
2 tablespoon oil
1 egg
salt*

stuffing:

200g minced beef
3-4 white or brown button mushrooms
salt and pepper.

alfredo sauce:
1/2 cup parmesan
50g butter

what to do:

pasta dough:

1. lay the flour out on a table making a hole in the middle
2. crack the egg, salt, and oil in the middle.
3. with a fork, whisk in the eggs and flour together slowly adding water.
4. keep mixing everything together till a dough is formed, if theres a need for more flour, just sprinkle some on the batter till the dough gets not sticky to the hands or work table.
5. once a dough is formed, dust the table with more flour and roll the dough out into a thin sheet, around 1mm

6. cut them into 2 inch squares. Brush the tops of the squares lightly with water (this will help them form a seal when you shape the tortellini, and also make the pasta easier to work with if it has dried out too much).

7. Place about 1/2 teaspoon of the filling in the center of each square and fold one corner over the filling, forming a triangle.

8. Press down around the filling, eliminating any air pockets and sealing the triangle. Wrap each triangle around your little finger pressing the opposing corners together to make a circle, and curl the top point back slightly.

or u can also find out more from
http://www.ehow.com/how_4700359_make-tortellini-dough.html

stuffing:

1. heat and oil a pan
2. sautee' and cook the meat
3. add the mushrooms, salt and (parmesan if u want)

cooking the tortellini and tossing in alfredo:

1. boil water in a pot adding some salt
2. add in the tortellinis and let boil for 10mins or till cooked.
3. drain well and transfer to a serving bowl

4. add the butter and parmesan cheese and some *(chopped parsley if u want)
5. toss and mix them throughly till cheese has melted and serve.

une.

2010-02-04T04:00:00.000-08:00

rosti with stuffed portobello.
(serves 2-3)

what you need:

4-5 medium sized potatoes (grated)
1 egg
1 tablespoon corn flour
salt+pepper

6 medium sized portobello mushrooms
black olives (cut into rings)
grated mozzarella
parmesan

what to do:

1. to prep the mushrooms, remove the stems leaving a cup for the stuffing.
2. firstly, stuff the mozzarella, then the olives followed by the parmesan on top.
3. drizzle with olive oil and you may grill in the oven or seer in a pan for 8-10 mins.

4. boil the grated potatoes till half cooked, drain well.
5. mix the potatoes with some salt along with the egg and cornflour.
6. lightly oil a pan and make sure its hot enough before laying in 1/4 part of the rosti mixture
7. let cook for 6-7 mins each side.

the first cup.

2010-02-04T03:54:00.000-08:00

sorry dear
scribbling over
buttoned down
mind vomits.

maybe
today
will be a new
hobby.

blogging
at
my ever
favorite
place.

iv realised this
crazed phase of
beating up
experimental
A la Italiano
Cuisines.

Very Gourmet.

Maybe i just
need
to
cook
for someone.

that satisfaction
is
sheer
utter
pleasure.

i tried
not
to have
this
empty
feeling
take
me over
like how
it used to.

well maybe
this
sort of emotion
makes
me more human.

fill it to the brim.

2010-01-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

there
are
so
many
of these
unanswered
questions

and how much
more
can i take.

where
does
the limit
stand.

that
brush
of
cold
history

churns

awaken
my
long dead
senses

and
this
is something
i don't enjoy
feeling.

kept
talking
to myself.

realising
something
strange.

how
did
i
get
here?

lie with me.

2010-01-22T11:06:00.000-08:00

can
there
be
truth
within
this
deluded
mind.

sleeping with ghosts
are like
killing
time.

prove me
wrong
that
this
reality
are
all
constructed
fragments
of the
intellect.

its like
self
hypnosis.

into the
depths
i drown
deeper.
and
i
cant
swim
for god's
sake.

what
should
i do?

lungs swell
with that
thick coagulated
black matter.

what
kills
you
makes
you
stronger.

so
much
for
lying
to yourself.

that's
one
thing
you
are good
at.

old habits die hard.

2009-12-14T09:24:00.001-08:00

look
here
where
it
all

fades
away.

blurred
by the
dryness.

blinkless.

air
seems
so
heavy
to
inhale.

this
is
a
story
about

standing
staying
absolutely
still.

quiet.
silent.
dead
almost.

the
light's
so
near.

yet so far.
like
stars
or
the moon
in the clouds.

this
is heaven
on earth.

the picture
perfectly
painted.

and
then
tastefully
ripped
apart
.

it
doesnt
just
stop
or end.

or
can it?

self-aid.

2009-12-14T09:12:00.000-08:00

those moving images
twirls
swirls

rapidly
frantically.

creating visions
unclear.

call it
haunt.

shall i
hide.
or be dismayed.
or be disheartened

by that.

everything
evolve.

some things
resolve.

taking
time
to
dissolve.

this
will
not be
the reason
to quit gasping.

sleeping with ghosts.

2009-10-10T23:21:00.000-07:00

i have to write this down cuz its like a one in a million kind of thing.
nightmares
and
dreaming of my granny.

both sounds weird together but the dream i had woke me up with a shock and shivers down my spine.
the sentimental value of me alone in the one room apartment in the late evening with granny talking about many things.
we were going to sleep on two single beds out in the living room and the kitchen is right beside.

i was closing the windows and doors of the house before sleeping.
and granny told me to close the kitchen door and lock it before walking around the house quite aimlessly i wasnt too sure what i was doing.

then i came back to the front of the kitchen and the door was unlocked and the fridge door was opened.
the fridge was right beside the kitchen entrance.

so i shut the fridge and i locked the door again and this time i went back to bed.

i faced away from the kitchen and closed my eyes. awhile later, i heard sounds in the kitchen.

since there wasn't anyone else in the house but me and granny i was quite curious what happened and i sat up and faced the kitchen.

again, the kitchen door was unlocked and opened wide.
and i could see the fridge door opened.

there was movement behind the door like someone rummaging through.
my heart was pounding so hard when i tried to peek as i shifted myself for a better view.

what i saw was a blackish furry figure going through the fridge and i was in shock and trembling.
then i woke up in amazement and a sudden fear.

well maybe its just one of those days.

back to basics.

2009-09-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

it's finally over.

well not really over.

remember the time i was so full of fears.
amazed at how much fun i had.

the change. accepting the change.
accepted the change.
then, have to let go.

meeting and knowing people.

theres just so much to say.
so many memories.

there are no regrets being through this.

to all, thank you.

haha and this is such an emotional entry.
but i just had to let it out.

cuz i would miss the times i had.

now, back to life.
that mundane old life.

trying to make the best of it.
need all the luck i could get.

don't let it go away.

2009-09-04T07:41:00.000-07:00

two years is a long way back.
here i return afresh.
new may not be a good word.
but change is more like it.
needed a change.

not much difference
but different.
angsty's all different
yet still the same.

see how it goes.